Revisions

Happiness is...

A point guard scoring her 1000th point
A football player scoring a touchdown
A baseball player hitting a home run

A mother seeing her child grow
A father seeing his little girl smile
A brother helping out a sister

A cancer patient getting cured
A person donating money
A doctor treating a vitcim

An individual doing a good deed
A teenager giving back to their community
A boy trying to save the world

The dreams that live forever
The love that never dies
The gift that keeps giving




Megan - I suggest you take one of the metaphors in Happiness Is, and expand it using your imagination, strong imagery and sensory language.  I think you'll be surprised what happens when you stay with one metaphor instead of using several.

Mimi Moriarty




REVISION:
Happiness Is...


A teenager helping out another student
A teenager being there for someone in need 
A teenager improving the life of someone else


A teenager loved by her family
A teenager hanging out with her boyfriend
A teenager goofing around with her friends


A teenager growing into a better person
A teenager wanting to go far in life
A teenager with the biggest personality


A teenager acting funny like their father
A teenager showing kindness like their mother
A teenager facing problems and acting strong like their brothers




I thought my first poem was really good because it didn't just focus on one point but it focused on a lot of little things. After reading Mimi Moriarty's suggestion on my poem and after I wrote the revised poem I think that my opinion has changed. I like my second poem better because it give more detail about a particular idea. I really like how it came out and I'm thankful for Ms.Moriarty correcting my work.